The next two days I prepare to say goodbye to my Grandma. It is a bittersweet time for me. Knowing she is in Heaven in peace with her Father brings me much joy. But realizing that she is gone from her earthly home with us brings me to tears. She is in no more pain. She has gained a new body and she is spending eternity with my grandpa, two sons, and Jesus (I am jealous!) Yet I mourn her passing.
This should be a joyous occasion. So why is this so difficult for me?
You know, dealing with the death of a loved one unfortunately does not get any better as an adult. I am near 30 years old and surprisingly it is a lot more difficult for me than it was when I lost my two grandfathers at the ages of 5 and 12. I am old enough to know better. Right? Than why is is SO HARD?
Since I turned 20 I have lost an unborn baby, two great-uncles, a second cousin, two great-aunts, one great-grandmother, two uncles and now my father's mother, my grandmother. Most of which I were close to, some of which I were not.
But I have to say that this one really rocked my boat.
You see, the past few years she has not really known me. She has not recognized me as her grand daughter She did not know my sons or remember my husband. Unfortunately dementia took over, causing her to forget the people that mean the most to her. It took her mind, soul and eventually her body. We spent the first four years of my first son's life visiting her frequently, but when her mind started slipping and she forgot us, it was much harder to see her. We made it a point to visit her. I really believed she enjoyed those visits.
Now that she has passed on, I have felt nothing but guilt and pain. Knowing that I did not spend as much time with her as I should have brings me to tears. It is a difficult situation. I regret to say that I should have visited her more often, but it is difficult when your loved one does not remember you. It may be a selfish thing to say, but I really had a hard time dealing with seeing her like that. I wanted to remember her for who she was, not for who she had become before dementia stole her memory from her.
A little over a month ago she needed to have what I thought was a minor surgery. She was sent home right away. But about three weeks ago, she was sent to the ER with complications from that surgery. They figured out what the problem was, fixed it and sent her back to the nursing home, only to return a week later. But unlike before this time the news was a little more grim. The only choice was to send her back home to spend her final days resting in an familiar environment.
As I was preparing to make a missions trip to France with my husband, I decided that I needed to see her, as I knew that it may be the last time on Earth with her. When she was in the hospital I took my oldest son with me to visit her. He was so sweet to her. He told her who he was, that he was in kindergarten and that he lost two teeth.
During that visit with her she responded in a way I have never seen her respond before, at least in the last few years of her life. As we were talking to her, telling her how much we loved her, tears were forming in her eyes. At that moment, I truly believed that she recognized us and understood that her time on earth was short.
I will never forget that moment. I will never forget those tears in her eyes. She showed EMOTION.
A few days before I had to leave for France, I decided to make another visit with her at the nursing home. She seemed to be doing great. She was eating a little and was responsive. I knew that our time with her was short, but knowing that she was doing a little better made me feel more at peace. Thinking that it would be a little while before she passed, I left for my trip, planning to see her when I got back. I was hoping and praying that I would see her again before she died.
But God had different plans.
Just a few short hours before Sean and I arrived to Fort Wayne, the Lord took her to her heavenly home. Praising God that she was healed for eternity, my heart was joyful, yet broken at the same time. I kept thinking "If only I got to see her one last time. If only I got home sooner. If only I was there when she passed. If only...if only...if only." But knowing that she was in an unresponsive state, I understood that it probably would not matter much if I was there or not. I think it was just because I wanted to be there to the bitter end. I wanted to be by her side when she died. I wanted to be with my dad while she passed. I just wanted to be no where but there with her.
This past week has been so rough. As I am still recovering from flying across the world and getting back into a routine, I am now mourning the loss of a women that meant more to me than anything. I am not going to lie, I am deeply saddened, but I now understand that the only way to move on is to rejoice in the fact that she is now eternally happy. She would not want me to be so sad. So from this day forward I will praise God for the time that we had with her. She lived a long and happy life.
So, in honor of my grandmother Mary I will remember all of the good times I had with her. I will not mourn, but rejoice. Thank you Jesus for your salvation! Because of that, I am satisfied knowing that I will see her again someday soon.
Revelation 21:4
and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away
