Transparency: A Personal Blog

Well, I’m not one to post personal things on my blog, but it’s definitely necessary, I think. You may be wondering where I have been. Some may have come to the conclusion that I have fallen off the face of this earth, but I assure you that I am still here…physically, at least.

I must confess that there have been many things that have caused me to run and hide in the middle of the time when people need me the most. I admit that I have a lot…A LOT of kinks to work out in my life. In order for me to run the business I need to and be successful I agree that I must be transparent with many things.

But what if I don’t want people to know my business? What if I don’t want people to think bad and negative things of me? I hold much  fear. MUCH fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of anger. Fear of failure. And honestly, I feel I’m already at the point of failure. I have failed myself. I have failed my family. I have failed my clients and more importantly I have failed God.

With all that is on my plate I feel like I just can't do it. Although I have tried and tried...I am not superwoman and my body and soul just can't handle it. And if I am not careful, I will lose it all. 

Most of you know by this point that I am a Christian. I’m not religious. It’s all about a personal relationship with my Lord Jesus and Savior. I declare myself a child of God and I want everyone to know that Jesus is the most important thing in my life. If God is for me, who can be against me, right? Well, it could be possible that I am against myself.

The past year has been extremely challenging for me, physically and emotionally. My health has been challenged, my mental health has been even more challenged, my marriage has been challenged, my relationships with my kids have been challenged. I’m not going to lie, it’s been a really rough road for me. But here’s the deal, instead of dealing with the challenges I run and hide. And I know that’s not good.

Stress, anxiety, fear, physical pain, emotional pain…the list goes on and on. It only proves that I am human. An imperfect human being. Day after day of pain and suffering is no way to live. God NEVER created us to live in physical and emotional pain. So, if I am a child of God and he loves me than why do I feel the way I do?

I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease as well as fibromyalgia back in the fall. Things have been rough and honestly, it only came about the past year. And the past few months I have been dealing with other health issues.

I never will understand why this all developed so quickly, but I have come to the conclusion that it’s more than just a physical battle, it’s a spiritual and emotional battle as well. And I’m having a hard time dealing with it, honestly. I know that I may never get a full diagnosis and honestly, I could do every test under the sun and possibly never get very far.

But I feel there is a break through coming. MY God is a merciful God and he only wants me to live the best life possible. And I simply cannot do that if I’m constantly living in fear.

So, here I am: transparent for everyone to see. But because of this I hope to ease the pain of another person suffering from the same issues as me. But also,  I am human. I break just like you. But I simply cannot let it ruin my life.

So, know that the next week or two I will be working hard and catching up on emails, phone calls, etc. And know that I am in this 100%.

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

Images by D.I.A. Images