Again, not one to share a personal blog, but it is something that has been on my mind and I feel that somebody out there can get something out of this :) God has laid this one my heart to share...
So..here it goes!
All I have ever wanted as a little girl was to grow up, get married and have kids. Lots and lots of kids. Well, I did grow up (somewhat), got married (can’t believe it’s been 8 years!) and have given birth to two wonderful little boys (they are boys, what can I say?). I am living the life that I have always wanted. God has blessed with me a wonderful family and I am truly thankful for those little blessings. You think that with what God has given me I would be satisfied, right?
I know, call me crazy, but I have always wanted many kids when I was younger. I didn’t realize how much of a challenge it would be having kids, especially raising two independent, strong-willed boys. So, after many tears, hair pulling, emotional break downs (for me!) I have decided that maybe doing “Duggar style” would not be ideal for me. I believe it truly takes a gift from God to live that life and it’s definitely not for me.
Back track about 6 years ago. Sean and I haven’t been married for very long and were basically living paycheck to paycheck. He was going to school and working full-time. I was going to school and working full-time. Our life was crazy, but we were enjoying every minute of it. One day I realized that I wasn’t feeling the greatest. Actually, I was having breast pain and I was freaked out, so I went and saw the doctor at IPFW (unfortunately that was the only insurance I had at the time). She asked if I could be pregnant and I said “Well, yes I guess. Maybe. There is definitely a possibility.” But…pregnant? Nah. I’m not pregnant. Well, I took a pregnancy test there at the clinic. She walked in with a smile on her face. “Well, congratulations! You are pregnant!” Wait…what? Really? I am? Well that would explain why I was so out of breath walking up the stairs. So, I took the test home and did my best to keep it a secret until Sean got home. He walked in the door and I gave him the good news. Shocking, but good news!
We were so happy of this little surprise and couldn’t wait to tell everybody! So, that is what we did. We told anybody and everybody that we were close to. Family, friends, co-workers…everyone! We were so happy. Sean’s dad and step-mom (almost said step-dad…that would’ve been weird..) even surprised us with a stroller and some cute little outfits for the baby. It had hit us that we were going to be parents. It was such an exciting time in our life for us.
A few weeks went by, I had my doctor’s appointment, heard the heart beat and even got to see the little one on ultrasound. I was anxious to find out if it was a boy or a girl. I couldn’t wait to find out! Weeks into my pregnancy I was feeling a little sick to my tummy, but other than that no big issues. Right around 9 or 10 weeks I started spotting at work and had cramping and it was getting pretty intense. I knew right then and there that I was losing this baby, or had already lost it. The weeks before I felt a connection with the baby, even though it was only a few weeks conceived I felt connected to him (I say him, because I believe it was a he). I didn’t feel that connection. I felt like something wasn’t right. So, I frantically called the doctor’s office and the nurse said I was probably miscarrying, but to go home, prop my feet up and see if things improve.
I…was…devastated.
That night, Sean and I were watching a movie and I was laying there with my feet propped up, as demanded by the nurse. I started to cramp, bad. It wasn’t mild, menstrual cramps. I honestly thought that I was going to die. The pain was that intense. We called the doctor and she told us to meet her at the hospital that I was miscarrying and I was basically in labor. My body was trying to expel the fetus so it went into labor. So, THIS is what labor feels like?
We arrived at the hospital and I demanded for SOMETHING…ANYTHING to relieve the pain I was having. And the nurses were taking what seemed like HOURS. I was thinking, HELLLLO! I’m in pain here. Help this sister out! Finally they gave me something to numb the pain, the physical pain. If only they gave me something to heal my emotional pain, right?
So, after a vaginal ultrasound the doctor determined that we had lost the baby. There was no heart beat. We were devastated. I didn’t even want to talk to anyone. I kept thinking…I am in SO MUCH PAIN right now and for what? Nothing? Yes. I was in labor but what is different than any other labor was that I would have no precious little baby to take home in the end.
They rushed me to the O.R. and did a DNC to remove the baby. I was out cold the whole time, thankfully. I woke up in a cold, dark hospital room. I was relieved from the physical pain (thank GOD! I thought I was going to die) but the emotional pain was so intense. I was wondering if God knew how upset I really was and wondered why he would do such a thing to me. I lost the baby at 10 weeks. The doctor said that the baby probably passed at 8 weeks. I was carrying this, so called dead fetus inside of me for 2 WEEKS. Why would God allow that?
After a few months and some great meds my emotional state seemed to have gotten better. We’ll try again. That’s ok. We’ll try again. I kept thinking that God HAS to have something good come out of this, because at the time I just wasn’t seeing any sort of good.
So another 2 years have passed and I found out that I was pregnant with Christian. When that pregnancy test read positive I FELL to my KNEES in tears thanking God. This time, I knew he heard my cries and he was blessing me with another, beautiful baby. I had decided that I would do whatever I can to be the best mommy and embrace this precious life God has given us.
After Christian was born I knew that being a mommy is what I wanted to do. He was so tiny, so fragile and to know that his life was in my hands was amazing to me. It was a little scary, but such a great opportunity I had to care for this life and raise him, with Sean, to be a man of God and an amazing person.
After I gave birth to Christian I was having problems with my menstrual cycle. I mean, it was all over the place! After my doctor kept switching my birth control I had decided that she didn’t know what she was doing so I left and got a second opinion. My new doctor did an ultrasound and found out that I had cysts all over my ovaries, which was causing the bleeding. She told me that I may never be able to have any more children. I was crushed. I was devastated. This is not what I had planned.
A few weeks after my ultrasound, I was having again some tummy issues. My period was late. But because of my condition I thought that it was just my cycles messing up again. But Sean insisted that I take a pregnancy test anyway. I told him “I am not pregnant. It’s not possible.” But, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to take one (unless it was negative. That would cause more pain than I needed at that time) but, to my surprise it was POSITIVE! I was pregnant with our second child. Come to find out I was 2 weeks pregnant with Wesley when I had my ultrasound. It was too early to detect that there was a tiny, little sesame seed in my tummy.
We had a bit of a scare after my labor with Wesley. I lost a lot of blood and I could’ve been severely sick or have even bled to death, but God had a plan for me and kept me here for a few more years at least ;) I loved the fact that Christian was going to have a little brother to play with (ahem..beat up). I was so excited to see how they would interact with each other. I was truly blessed beyond measure, knowing that I had an awesome husband and two wonderful little baby boys.
I could get used to this! Let’s have ANOTHER! Ok, the husband wasn’t crazy about it at first. But, after a few months with Wesley he had decided that it would be nice to try for just one more. Possibly a girl? That would be amazing! Oh, to have a little girl. Pink, lace and bows was not known in my house. It was all about the boys here!
When Wesley was about 10 months old we decided to go off of birth control all together. Not just to try to have another baby, but because my body seemed to react a lot better without it. So, since we wanted to try again soon anyway I went off of the pill in July 2009. I was getting excited about the possibility of having another baby. Thinking it wouldn’t take long; I got off of the pill and planned for our 3rd baby.
In the meantime I was having fun enjoying the different stages in my boys’ lives. Christian was potty-trained (can I get an AMEN?!) and Wesley was growing every day. I loved my boys and loved that I was able to be home with them, while running a part-time photography business. THIS is what I wanted to do, but to me, our family just didn’t seem complete.
A year into trying we hit a bump and realized that we were having a little more trouble than we thought we would. So, with some conditions we decided to just put in in God’s hands and if it happened, it happened. If not, than it would have to be something that I would need to get over. Although it wasn’t ideal for me, raising two kids would be have to be what it is and I would have to accept that.
This year has been rough. I just wasn’t getting pregnant and I didn’t know why. What I did know that it’s all a part of God’s plan and if he doesn’t want us to have another, than I need to honor that. But because I wanted another baby so bad, I was dismissing that plan God had for our life and I just said thought that, well, since God knows that I want another baby so bad he will give it to me. Right?
Sean and I decided that our cut off would be when he turns 32. I didn’t have a problem with that because I thought it would be easier to get pregnant. But here we are and that date is quickly approaching and I am not pregnant. In fact, we have recently discovered that we, physically, cannot conceive again.
Infertility.
That is something I never wanted to hear. I was mad. Mad at God, mad at Sean, mad at myself, mad at the world, mad at all the woman I see walking around with big pregnant bellies and little tiny babies. I was mad! Why did God allow this to happen? Why? And if one more person says “You should be happy with the two kids you have.” I am going to scream and throw something. I AM happy. Don’t get me wrong. I am very happy. But the idea of not having another brings so much pain into my life. It’s almost like I have lost another baby, even though we weren’t even pregnant to begin with. I don’t know if it’s because of that baby I lost before having my kids. I don’t know what it is.
Am I missing the IDEA of being pregnant? The IDEA of having to get up every 2 hours for feedings (I know, I am crazy) I don’t know what it is. I want another baby. I want the idea of it being our last and doing the best I can to take it all in and enjoy every moment. I don’t want to call it quits yet. I want another baby!
Last night was really, really difficult for me. I prayed to God BEGGING him to give me another child or at least give me peace with this whole situation. Because, honestly, I see no peace coming from this right now. Maybe God is using this situation to share with other woman and couples who are going through the same issue? Miscarriages, infertility. Maybe there is somebody out there than can relate to me.
So after many tears and cries to God I have decided to let it go. Although it’s severely painful for me, I just have to let it go and let God handle the situation. It’s in God’s hands now. He knows my wants and my desires. He is more powerful than any modern medicine. He knows what is best for my life and I have to remember that. His control his beyond mine, beyond any doctor’s control, beyond anything.
With that being said, I am still struggling with the fact that I can’t give my boys another sibling. A friend of mine has a baby girl, and so see Christian interact with her like she is his own breaks my heart. And if one more person asks me if we are going to have another baby or how it would be nice for us to have a girl I am going to lose it. Do they not understand our situation? No. They don’t. They probably don’t even know the whole story. I do my best to act like it’s no big deal, but it is. It really is a huge deal for me.
So, if you are reading this thinking that you are alone. You are not! There will always be somebody else out there that is feeling the pain you are feeling, crying the tears you are crying, praying the prayers you are praying. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Give it up to God. Give it to Him. He has a master plan for you. Hang in there and know that He is good. He will provide. He will give you comfort when there is nothing left. Just let Him be who He is. That’s all you can do. Just trust in Him and know that things will get better. Be thankful for the blessings in life and know that things will get better. God will give you strength if you just let Him.
God can repair your broken heart, your broken dreams, your broken health.
He is a RESTORER. Though your life may seem like it is ruined and that it can’t be repaired, God can rebuild in into something brand new. He can, and he will! If you have time, read Psalm 71: 19-21. God’ Word truly is comforting.
My boys! Aren't the little sweeties? :) I am so blessed!
